Name: The Happy Tummy Loaf
Age: Nine. The Happy Tummy Loaf was created in 2014.
Appearance: Dark brown, dense and rectangular.
Happy Tummy Loaf – is this an animated character on CBeebies who teaches toddlers to eat their crusts or something? No, it’s a real-life wonderloaf: a “two-day soaked wholegrain chia teff loaf containing 16 specifically chosen ingredients”.
“Specifically chosen” ingredients, you say? Not just pocket lint, loose change and chewing gum? Wild. Sarky. There’s teff flour, chia seeds, “regeneratively farmed” egg, various nuts and “Irish Orchard Syrup”, among other delights.
Teff being … A gluten-free ancient grain.
Of course. And this makes your tummy happy? Well, the baker Karen O’Donoghue developed the loaf to manage her irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Apparently, you need to let the grain ingredients “soak and sprout before baking so that they enter your gut ready to digest and bring you maximum nourishment”. Customers – including Goldie Hawn – seem pleased. It’s also known as “happy poo bread”, and testimonials on the website are full of accounts of superior bowel movements. “I’m doing perfect poos! They’re like model poo citizens!” the actor Jenny Bede is quoted as saying.
An image I will struggle to shed, thank you. I sense a but … Correctly. Tom Sanders, a professor emeritus of nutrition and dietetics at King’s College London, has expressed scepticism about various miracle breads. “I have looked at the links to claims made for these breads and they consist of the weasel words of marketeers and are not based on robust science,” he is quoted as saying in the Times.
What, even sourdough? Isn’t that good for you? Uncertain: a review of evidence earlier this year concluded: “It remains uncertain whether sourdough fermentation per se could exert clinically significant benefits on health.” Sanders goes further: sourdough offers no nutritional benefits over normal bread, he says, and often contains more salt. Plus, the real kicker: “Anecdotally, I know of cases where it causes excruciating wind.”
Yikes. Maybe I’ll try the happy tummy one. The “regenerative” egg should mean it’s nice and soft, even if it can’t cure IBS. Yes, you won’t be lacerating your palate on any tough crusts: it’s apparently “very, very moist”, according to the Times. Plus, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website called it “legendary”. Quick note though: it’s £22.
What? £22 for flour and water? Don’t forget the chia seeds and Orchard Syrup.
Is this the most expensive bread yet? It certainly beats the €14.30 (£12) “stress relief” loaf from the Menorcan bakers MIM. Or the much-hyped £11.40 Japanese milk bread from London’s Happy Sky Bakery. And a whole Poilâne sourdough – the OG of fancy, hard-to-chew breads – is only €12.10 (plus the trip to France to pick it up, of course). But what’s the price of model bowel movements?
Do say: “That’s a lot of bread.”
Don’t say: “For that price I’d want a full colonic and rectal ozone therapy.”